I’ve recently heard the saying “You can’t heal from what you don’t reveal”. We are all carrying
something, and you may be in a place where you can’t speak of it yet -or- you’re in a place where the
weight is a little lighter. I believe our pain and our trails are never wasted. God has given me the talent
of artistic hands, and I give Him all the glory for that; but, He has also given me a mouth to be a light for
His kingdom, and I’ll be darned if I choose to keep my struggle silent anymore. This is why I’ve finally
decided to share mine with you. I’m human. I don’t want to hide behind perfection. I want you to know
the real me.
Makeup is my passion, but it’s also been my outlet to forgetting. I pick up my brush; and for a little
while all of my shame, anxiety and self-doubt disappear as I lose myself in the process.
I think there is a stigma behind makeup where it looks like you have it altogether; but for the past 12
years, I’ve had my own secret that I became really good at hiding…
Bulimia Nervosa: A serious, potentially life-threatening eating disorder involving distortion of body
image and an obsessive desire to lose weight, in which bouts of binging are followed by depression and
self-induced vomiting, purging, fasting or excessive exercise.
Let’s just say the bathroom and I became really good friends over the years. I used this disorder to
control any time when things felt out of control. It was my coping mechanism, my numbing vice.
Bulimia isn’t just about food - which is why it’s so hard to overcome. People with Bulimia judge
themselves harshly for their self-perceived flaws, and are preoccupied with their weight and body
shape. Eating disorders thrive in isolation, and I became really good at doing all the things it took to
cover it up. I’ve seen firsthand some of the effects this mental illness has had on my body, and I was on
the long narrow path to self-destruction if I didn’t get hold of it.
This past Spring, I finally got the courage to tell my family. Plus, I knew full well the realization of
needing some serious help. I’ve since been working weekly with an amazing outpatient team, which I
couldn’t be more thankful for. Most importantly, that team also includes the support of my husband,
family and closest friends – I am so blessed!
Recovery has been a rollercoaster of good days and bad, plus being one of the hardest things I’ve ever
done. There are days my load feels light. Days I’m mentally drained. Days when I still get what they call
“the urge to purge”. Days where I beat myself up, and feel the self-hate creep in. Days I feel like I don’t
have another tear to shed, but I won’t give up! Today, I feel so proud to finally say that I’m a little over a
year clean from purging!!
I’ve ignored my own self-worth because of the negative voices I chose to hear. We put so much
pressure on ourselves with social media, ads and diet culture today (not to mention the comparison
game we play ourselves). They perceive “Skinny” and “Perfect” to be the beauty standard. But, says
who? Who makes the rules? What if my body (and your body) is the standard? I am starting to
believe there is no “one, true standard”. There is simply… just beauty. It’s around you, and it’s in you –
IT IS YOU!!!
I want you to know that if you’re struggling, YOU ARE ENOUGH. I’ll say it again - YOU. ARE. ENOUGH!!!
You’re more than your pant size, the number on the scale, the dimples on your legs, your hair color, skin
color, lip shape, freckles, wrinkles – whatever is telling you otherwise! We will never be satisfied if we
stay focused on the things we wish were different.
Life would be pretty boring if we all looked the same. God made each of us unique in our own way, and
in His Image. He even knows the number of hairs we have on our head - pretty cool, right?
Everyone’s healthy can look different, and my body is finally healthy regardless of its size. I may not be a
size 0/2 or 4 anymore, but I am done trying to force that on myself because it’s not the way God
designed or intended me to look.
Let’s start speaking truth into our lives, loving ourselves and seeing people for who they really are - in all
different shapes and sizes - because to me, that’s where true, authentic beauty lies.
God works all things together for His good; and if that means He’s using me to help even just one
person, then my mission is accomplished. He sees me, He sees you and He calls us, “Beautiful One”.
I’m praying for anyone who needs to hear this today and I hope at some point I’ll be able to share my
full story with you.
Until then, I still have work to do. Be praying for me too, sis!
You’re altogether beautiful, my darling, there is no flaw in you. Song of Solomon 4:7